For about a year now I have been roleplaying different kpop characters in all types of different directories. I’d follow everyone from my family and also a lot of people outside it. As mostly happens on tumblr, porn showed up on my dash from time to time and without wanting to admit it, it affected me more than it should have. And let me tell you why.
Around the age of 7, my mother got a new boyfriend after being divorced from my dad for two years. He was nice and kind, somewhat the father I never had, and I trusted him with everything. At some point he was teaching me how to play chess, and his hand that had been resting on my knee slowly started crawling up to my private area. I remember I was wearing a yellow dress with a blue collar and blue flowers that day, so it was easy for him to sneak his hand in my underwear. I remember he started caressing me softly, but from there on, everything is black. Two years later I heard he’d also touched my younger sister and actually raped her.
A couple of years later, I believe I was 15, my mother got another boyfriend. He was suicidal (trying to blame me and my mum for it) and not such a good influence on my mum, so I didn’t like him very much. At one point he tried to kill himself, but failed, and came over to my mums house, crying that he had done us wrong and that he was so sorry. My mother went upstairs as it became to much for her and she left the two of us alone. He attempted to hug me and I tried to push him away, but failed. He held on tightly and kept on sobbing. A 53-year-old man, sobbing in the arm of a 15-year-old who he is barely close to, but okay. At some point his hand started creeping up to my breast, and I started freaking out, because this seemed all too familiar. I tried to push him away again, but he was strong and kept on going, placing his hand on my right breast if I remember correctly. Luckily my mum started getting back downstairs, and he let go of me.
Another year later, I got my first boyfriend. I just got admitted into a psychiatric hospital the week before and I was very weak. He knew this and abused this. Whenever he wanted to try anything sexual and I said now, he would keep on pushing and pushing until I gave in. This to the point where I was in extreme pain because he wasn’t being careful while fingering or licking me, but he didn’t seem to care about my no’s and once tied me down to his bed when I didn’t want to give in. A friend of mine from the Asylum eventually broke the relationship off for me.
November that same year, I was released from the hospital and I started going to school again. I took philosophy classes, but I was way behind on the notes and explanations, so a boy from my class offered to give me them, but I had to come pick them up at his house. Stupid and naive as I was, I listened and followed him home. I’ll keep it short this time, but yes, he raped me there. A week later I was forced to go to his house again because we had to do a project for school together and I didn’t dare to tell anyone what happened. He raped me again, this time also anally, and he forced me to give him a hand job. He tried to keep on meeting with me, but I ignored him and switched schools the next year.
Now, you may all understand why it’s not very pleasant for me to see a dick or anything that relates to sex including a guy. Apart from me being into girls and thinking this was a fun directory, this was why I joined this family. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to see this any more. I also don’t follow people outside our family for the same reason.
It’s not that I do not want people to be in straight relationships, or that I hate guys. I am really happy if I see a girl (or a boy) being really happy and being treated right by a guy. But when I see sex including a guy, I freak out, because it makes me remember what happened to me. It makes me feel guilty and gross, to the point where I either shower forever or start grabbing a knife and attempt to rip my dirty skin off. It makes me want to kill myself because I feel so dirty, and I feel like it’s all my own fault and that I’m stupid and naive.
I understand I cannot block straight porn out of my life, because if not on tumblr, I will probably see it elsewhere, but I wish this could at least be a safe haven for me to come to. A family I can turn to when things get hard for me. I am not asking you to stop reblogging these kind of things, though it would be nice, I am simply asking for you to understand why I dislike it so much, why I might get angry, freak out, or change moods so quickly. Please.